A whisper to my husband

I am in my forties. I spent my youth seeking your love . My thirties your acceptance. And now I wonder was it all in vain. 

What would it take to feel loved? What would it take to live a romance every day? 

I try to explain my feelings . I try to ask for what I need. Only to feel neglected again. 

Then you speak of passion and you say how can't you feel it? 

And I wonder how can I ? Where is the soft touch on the arm, or the loving embrace? Where is the tender look or the kind word? Where are the gestures that say I love you and I am happy to have you in my life. 

I wake to demands, to harsh words, to criticism or at best to indifference. 

And now I wonder will you ever make me feel the way I want to feel. 

Tamara

I don't know how many times am I going to write a post that starts with her name. I think part of me hopes that she might answer one day. I know it's impossible but ... 

I wonder when and how long will take for the vivid memories to fade. I still think about sharing thoughts and new discoveries with her. The first thought that comes to mind everytime my children do or say something funny is "wait till Tamara hears of this". I try to share things here and there but it only provides little comfort... 

Yes it's true the pain in my heart at the thought of her loss is "less" or is it... 

More than a year now and there is still shock, disbelieve and the secret wish that it is just one horrible nightmare. 

تمارا ... هدية السماء

لقد عاشت معي طوال عمري ؛ بطريقة او بأخرى.  كانت تشاركني أحزاني و أفراحي أكثر مما كنت أشاركها. كانت لي أخت كبرى كما تتمناها اي فتاة. و لكنها لم تكن فقط ذلك

وجودها في حياتي كما هي و كما أنا علمني القيمة الحقيقية للدنيا ، علمني القوة الحقيقة للإنسان ، وجودها وضع إطارا واقعيا لحياتي

ما حصل معها أراني ضعف البشر و قوتهم ... قسوة القدر و رحمة الله... علمني عمق التفكير و حب السخافة ... علمني الأصرار والاستسلام... كانت و ما زالت كل هذا وأكثر 

كيف أنسى بكائي على سخافات الحياة في صغري و بسمتها في وجهي البسمة التي تقول أنا أفهمك و أتعاطف معك ولكن لا تحزني ، بسمة لا استخفاف فيها ولكن من قوتها و كرمها اشعر بصغر همي و سخافة زعلي

وأدركت من زمن بعيد ان همها اكبر ولا يحتمل وان حزنها اعظم يكسر القلب و ان حياتها اصعب (لا لا اجرؤ على قول اصعب فلا مقارنة)  حياتها صعبة بل تبدو لي مستحيلة. ففهمت مكاني في الحياة وأدركت قدري وتعلمت ان أضع أمور الحياة في ميزان حكيم.  

تمارا ألهمتني الصبر و علمتني الحكمة و وهبتني التقدير و أرشدتني لربي. 

فهل هناك هدية اعظم؟ 

تمارا بعد مرور عام على رحيلك لا املك لنفسي الا الدمع ولا املك لك الا الدعوة بالرحمة والله ارحم الرحمين

وأدعو ربي ان تكوني بطمانينة وسلام

Grief

She lived her life tied down by broken legs. She left life leaving behind a man tied down by a broken heart. 

Time

Life.

We are born, time goes by; we change from babies to children. Time goes by; we become teenagers. More time goes by; and we are adults. Yes now we own the world. Now we are masters of ourselves. Yes we are in control of our lives. We head on with resolution. We march on with pride. We build universes. And one day we pose... We look around us and realise time has moved on and left us behind. 

Grief

It has been more than six month since I lost my beloved Tamara.

I think I am handling things fine, or just suppressing my motions real well. After all, what is crying and sulking going to do. So every day I put on a smily face and pretend I am not sad. Really, I have a lot to be grateful for. Lovely children, wonderful husband, a good home and the exciting project of a new one. I stand in front of God everyday with humility and gratitude. But oh so deep is the pain... 

I can't be alone with my thoughts I can't, every time I find my self alone the pain and sorrow find their way back to my mind. And so vividly I see her image again lying their in the hospital so close and so out of reach. Did she hear my voice? Did she feel my touch? Was any part of her still there? My prayers in her ears, my light touch so not to hurt her ... Did they matter ? I don't know maybe they helped me more than her. 

I can't write anymore.