Is it good bye

Last night I dosed off for awhile on the couch in the living room befor going back to bed. In this hour I had an extremely vivid dream which had Tamara in it , something that has been happening to me quite often recently. At the end of the dream right before I woke up I was leaving with my husband and children to go , I am not sure now if it was on a trip or just to the beach house all I know is that we were leaving and we were going to stay away for a while. We were saying good bye to my parents and to Tamara then we went out the door. But I came back quickly to hug and kiss Tamara one last time and said to her "I wanna kiss you again cos you won't be here when we get back, you'll be dead" and my last thought in my dream was "what am thinking? she is already !" 

Then woke up confused and sad like I just heard the news. Confused cos I thought at least I got to say goodbye this time. Then sad cos I finally realized there is no this time she is gone and I don't get a second chance for a hug. 

But there was a flicker of hope that maybe my heart will mend soon. Or at least I hope so. 

Grief

She lived her life tied down by broken legs. She left life leaving behind a man tied down by a broken heart. 

Grief

It has been more than six month since I lost my beloved Tamara.

I think I am handling things fine, or just suppressing my motions real well. After all, what is crying and sulking going to do. So every day I put on a smily face and pretend I am not sad. Really, I have a lot to be grateful for. Lovely children, wonderful husband, a good home and the exciting project of a new one. I stand in front of God everyday with humility and gratitude. But oh so deep is the pain... 

I can't be alone with my thoughts I can't, every time I find my self alone the pain and sorrow find their way back to my mind. And so vividly I see her image again lying their in the hospital so close and so out of reach. Did she hear my voice? Did she feel my touch? Was any part of her still there? My prayers in her ears, my light touch so not to hurt her ... Did they matter ? I don't know maybe they helped me more than her. 

I can't write anymore.

One week

One week has passed making the difference between life and death. 

A week, what is a week in someone's life, but when in this week you've seen the last breaths leave the body of a loved one, then this week turned your life upside down. 

Tamara I lost you one week today. Everyday I still think about how I need to call you to share a thought, or a thing that happened with me. Somehow things don't feel whole without sharing them with you. 

My heart aches and breaks a thousand times a day when I think of my loss, and with you gone no one can make things seem easier anymore. 

I remember our last shopping trip. When I had to buy school wear for my girls, I remembered at the end when I was exhausted and felt like I can't take anymore, you looked at me and said: "this was a tough day for you" you said it with your lovely comforting smile, and immediately all was well again. 

Now I go through my days with no one to share things with, and no one to give me a comforting smile. 

Tamara not a day have passed without me wishing you could hear me again. They say heavens must have been better for you other wise God wouldn't have taken you. And I hope and believe you are in best of hands now. But I still wish you can hear me. ...