Saturday, August 1, 2015

الصبر مفتاح الفرج

عندما يكون الرجل في مقتبل العمر يكون طائشا و قليل الحكمة وقولون للمرأة في حياته "طولي بالك" 
عندما يكبر في العمر ولا ينضج في التفكير يقولون للمرأة في حياته "طولي بالك" 
عندما يصل الى منتصف العمر ويتصرف بطفولية يقولون للمرأة في حياته "طولي بالك" 
ربما لو قيل له في بداية حياتك "كبر عقلك" كان اسهل واصلح للجميع 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Is it good bye

Last night I dosed off for awhile on the couch in the living room befor going back to bed. In this hour I had an extremely vivid dream which had Tamara in it , something that has been happening to me quite often recently. At the end of the dream right before I woke up I was leaving with my husband and children to go , I am not sure now if it was on a trip or just to the beach house all I know is that we were leaving and we were going to stay away for a while. We were saying good bye to my parents and to Tamara then we went out the door. But I came back quickly to hug and kiss Tamara one last time and said to her "I wanna kiss you again cos you won't be here when we get back, you'll be dead" and my last thought in my dream was "what am thinking? she is already !" 
Then woke up confused and sad like I just heard the news. Confused cos I thought at least I got to say goodbye this time. Then sad cos I finally realized there is no this time she is gone and I don't get a second chance for a hug. 
But there was a flicker of hope that maybe my heart will mend soon. Or at least I hope so. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

A whisper to my husband

I am in my forties. I spent my youth seeking your love . My thirties your acceptance. And now I wonder was it all in vain. 
What would it take to feel loved? What would it take to live a romance every day? 
I try to explain my feelings . I try to ask for what I need. Only to feel neglected again. 
Then you speak of passion and you say how can't you feel it? 
And I wonder how can I ? Where is the soft touch on the arm, or the loving embrace? Where is the tender look or the kind word? Where are the gestures that say I love you and I am happy to have you in my life. 
I wake to demands, to harsh words, to criticism or at best to indifference. 
And now I wonder will you ever make me feel the way I want to feel. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Tamara

I don't know how many times am I going to write a post that starts with her name. I think part of me hopes that she might answer one day. I know it's impossible but ... 
I wonder when and how long will take for the vivid memories to fade. I still think about sharing thoughts and new discoveries with her. The first thought that comes to mind everytime my children do or say something funny is "wait till Tamara hears of this". I try to share things here and there but it only provides little comfort... 
Yes it's true the pain in my heart at the thought of her loss is "less" or is it... 
More than a year now and there is still shock, disbelieve and the secret wish that it is just one horrible nightmare. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

تمارا ... هدية السماء

لقد عاشت معي طوال عمري ؛ بطريقة او بأخرى.  كانت تشاركني أحزاني و أفراحي أكثر مما كنت أشاركها. كانت لي أخت كبرى كما تتمناها اي فتاة. و لكنها لم تكن فقط ذلك
وجودها في حياتي كما هي و كما أنا علمني القيمة الحقيقية للدنيا ، علمني القوة الحقيقة للإنسان ، وجودها وضع إطارا واقعيا لحياتي
ما حصل معها أراني ضعف البشر و قوتهم ... قسوة القدر و رحمة الله... علمني عمق التفكير و حب السخافة ... علمني الأصرار والاستسلام... كانت و ما زالت كل هذا وأكثر 

كيف أنسى بكائي على سخافات الحياة في صغري و بسمتها في وجهي البسمة التي تقول أنا أفهمك و أتعاطف معك ولكن لا تحزني ، بسمة لا استخفاف فيها ولكن من قوتها و كرمها اشعر بصغر همي و سخافة زعلي

وأدركت من زمن بعيد ان همها اكبر ولا يحتمل وان حزنها اعظم يكسر القلب و ان حياتها اصعب (لا لا اجرؤ على قول اصعب فلا مقارنة)  حياتها صعبة بل تبدو لي مستحيلة. ففهمت مكاني في الحياة وأدركت قدري وتعلمت ان أضع أمور الحياة في ميزان حكيم.  

تمارا ألهمتني الصبر و علمتني الحكمة و وهبتني التقدير و أرشدتني لربي. 

فهل هناك هدية اعظم؟ 

تمارا بعد مرور عام على رحيلك لا املك لنفسي الا الدمع ولا املك لك الا الدعوة بالرحمة والله ارحم الرحمين

وأدعو ربي ان تكوني بطمانينة وسلام

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Grief

She lived her life tied down by broken legs. She left life leaving behind a man tied down by a broken heart. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Time

Life.
We are born, time goes by; we change from babies to children. Time goes by; we become teenagers. More time goes by; and we are adults. Yes now we own the world. Now we are masters of ourselves. Yes we are in control of our lives. We head on with resolution. We march on with pride. We build universes. And one day we pose... We look around us and realise time has moved on and left us behind.